Monday, September 28, 2009

Put it on the Ritz...

Raise your virtual hand if Alex and I would make a good Young Frankenstein/ Bride, or Gene Wilder (me) and Young Frankenstein (Alex), or Young Frankenstein and Igor (me). Now hold, wait a minute, I'm not in any way saying that he looks like Frankenstein, beside the obvious height thing... I'm saying I look Gene Wilder or Igor! But seriously, raise your hands..

Working nine to five (in the tune of that one song, um "9-5")

Today was my first day at a new job. I'm going to trying to sum this up without being too serious... But seriously run on sentence synopsis, hold your breath and...GO! Business savvy (it's weird that savvy has not one "v" but two, isn't?), a boss that couldn't get any better, an office, with a computer and a phone (I know right?), and a future train ride and overnight stay in Seattle. And Breathe.  Whoot

Saturday, September 26, 2009

New Edition

One bottle of champagne + volunteer work+ Alex / cleaning out the tiny closet in our living room+ giant burger with onion rings- soup - salad - mustard + french fries / breakfast burritos on Sunday= New Edition ... YIPES

Thursday, September 24, 2009

It was a tiny yellow house, just big enough to wear on your head

Last night I dreamt I made a tiny doll house that could fit in the palm of your hand. It was incredible (if I do say so myself). When you peered through the windows, they magnified the details inside. By the way, I love how dreams amalgamate and morph, and completely make sense in the moment. Peeping inside the magnifying glass windows,  revealed a 2d portrait of a perfect victorian house. It was like a tiny reality of an old house... that happened to be small enough to rest in your palm (which seemed completely plausible in dream world).  I think the dream rooted a few weeks ago.
At my old job I spent a few wasted afternoons perfecting this house idea...the house I made was big enough to wear over your head like a mask (by that I mean I stuck it over my head, just to see what would happen...Nothing). It wasn't intended to be a mask, I was just giving YOU, an idea of what size you should be picturing this minute in your lovely head. Anyways, it was cardboard, a yellow cardboard house, with a working door, and the tiniest mail slot. Peering through the laminate windows revealed a quaint  house with four rooms stacked one on top of the other. 
Anyways last night before I fell asleep I plotted riding my bicycle to my work to steal my yellow house. I would pretend that I was showing up to say Hello, and casually grab the house. "Hello" I'd say (mean while, I'm casually putting the house on my head, like it's my bicycle helmet). "hsher sserg jahjjkh" I'd muffle through my house helmet (by that I'd mean "see you later suckers"). Anyways I fell asleep thinking about that. Oh and by the way, I probably won't steal the yellow house back, I think it would be to hard to bike with it on my head. I'll just have to get to work on a palm size house, does anyone have a tiny magnifying glass?

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


I also bought a car...

Fried Pie

Today was my last day of my old job. Monday is my first day of my new  job. I successfully called the guy at the "fried pie cart" an asshole, which was quite deserved... it also amounted to a swig of tequila (random). What more could you want of a Tuesday evening?

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Michael J. Wolf...

So he's a teenager... who happens to be a werewolf... Big Deal! The real question is, what happens to Michael J. Fox when he's all grown up? 

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Say it with me now "How-le-lu-ya"

When I was a kid, maybe like 5 years old, my Dad, my brother, and I (not to mention our two dogs)  would run a loop around the inside of our house. The  loop went a little something like this:main hallway, kitchen, living room, dining room, living room, back to the  hallway.We would listen to the song Hallelujah, accept it's more like HALLELUJAH. You know the one that's a choir singing jovially:  "How- le -lu- ya...How- le -lu- ya..How- le -lu-ya  Howl- le -lu- ya  ... How- le -lu-hu hu hu hoooo-eee- ya." Anyways,  we would play the record  extremely loud and run for our Hallelujah lives. Oh and the dogs, they would Howl- le lu ya, too. It was a sight to behold... 


Are you the type of person who orders a hamburger at a Chinese food restaurant? Are you a take the spider outside type...or a smash it under your sneaker? Are you a silent laugher? Loud Laugher? (Oh and hey, by the way,  I'm no laughist, I understand  there is more to laughing then quiet and loud)

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Wasting Away in Margaritaville

Just looking at the photo of the pizza below makes me want to throw up all over my computer. That picture represents the pizza that was delivered to my house at 3:30 this morning. I know I know, who the hell am I? At 10:00 pm we went to a dance party,on the other side of Mt. Tabor (by "on the other side of Mt. Tabor" I mean, huge mother fucking hill between our house and our destination). There was no short cut around the hill either, no easy route in which you go an extra mile to skip the hill (like that song, "take the long way home" or whatever). 

The party was delightful, I mean it was truly full of delight! Some delightful highlights (but not at all limited too): The first delightful thing, dancers that were so good, they might have been ringers (like a song would come on, and they would casually get up and do what seemed to be a made up routine, with some jazz finger finale, and lip synching and all). The second delightful thing  about this party was the bucket of margaritas (there is something enjoyable about ladling your drink from a bucket). I'm going to stop listing the delights, and just start shouting them out there, cool? WE RAN INTO A FRIEND WHO HAS BEEN IN SPAIN FOR 2 YEARS.. YEAH STYLE MULLET  (Actually I'm going to say them out, this shout business is bad for business). The hosts were wearing  gold lamé, leopard, and fake eye lashes. We danced danced (revolution?) to NU Shooz-I can't wait (which seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life). 

Blah blah blah skip to the part of  the party were the music stops, because someone forgot to press play. Alex yells "DJ Buzz Kill" I know I know...So then this guy (DJ Buzz Kill/ the dance ringer) walks up to me and says, he says "Girl you need to put your bitch in check." I'm so not clever with comebacks, I mean really I have the lousiest come backs. I figured I spare everybody, I mean this guy might try to dance battle us or something.  So I was like (gulp), "um" (stutter) to the guy... and then I squeezed your hand, remember? I said "Alex, your not a bitch" (which is true, I love you "buzz kill" comments and all). So that was our cue to exit, the "put your bitch in check." line.  So as I mentioned before we were at the top of a hill, which leads me to the pizza. So at the top of the hill I said, "there is a pizza place that delivers till 4am." (this part is sort of obvious and boring so I'll leave out the all the details) Blah Blah Blah, it took 30 minutes to get down the hill (which I think was longer then it took to get over it). I think it had something to do with the bucket of margaritas, the dance ringers, and oh yeah I was riding my breaks the whole way. 

It's kind of LIke this...

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Buck off

Tonight, or I guess today, a dear friend hosted a birthday party at a local bar. The bar happened to be hosting a Buck Hunter Contest. For those of you that are not familiar with Buck Hunter let me explain. Buck Hunter is a bar game/ nintendo/ sega/ I don't know... hunting game, in which the player  (in this case the bar patron) shoots virtual forest animals (mainly Bucks) with a gun. The people participating were (but not limited to) a woman with an extremely tight  tank top that said "NOT MY JUGS" (I'm assuming she was referring to her cleavage popping out of her shirt), a man with a bowl cut (yes a real bowl cut), and a burly guy with a tattoo of  that image of a woman you see on the back of truck tire flaps.. you know the one with the flowing hair, the large boobs, the unrealistic profile (usually seen on large 1990 trucks)?  Anyways I managed to leave the bar with a bag full of beer Koozies. I guess the equation is as follows:
Camo + Booty shorts + Bowl cuts+ Jugs+ Buck+ Hunter= Bag full of Beer Koozies 

Friday, September 11, 2009

I'm no Trekee

Tonight I saw the new Star Trek movie. By new I mean, came out months ago, and I'm just seeing it at the $2.00 theaters. To all of you Star Trek fans out there plug your ears, close your eyes, and hold back your yelps! I was disappointed.  Let's just say not only was the movie predictable, with the love story, strange dinosaur- esque alien monsters, and references to old Star Trek episodes... The new Star Trek was shitty for the following reasons. Reason the first: The new captain Kirk, is a Zach Morris-esque, Save by the Bell-ish, popular, sassy,  cheese ball. Reason the second, Lord, will the smart, babe, leading lady character, please cut the bull shit, just say your first name (she does this hard to get crap the whole movie), and quit  the make outs  with Spok would you? (I mean come on, he can't feel emotions...or whatever). Reason the third, I fell asleep in the last twenty minutes of the movie, and unfortunately drooled on myself...Damn

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Dear President Obama,
Thank you for your speech on health care reform. I found it most insightful and inspirational. 
Fingers crossed, rabbit foot in pocket, lucky penny, four leaf clover.... (blah blah blah, you get the idea) you can do it! Go health care go!
Emily P. F Dart-McLean

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Here's to you