Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Snow What

Fellow Portlanders,

If you are reading this you have located a spot out of the winter bluster (or perhaps fearless, and hot blooded, in the winter bluster). I would like to take this moment and note my winter observance for the current state that exist outside your computer.

About one out of every Twenty Five drivers on the road right now is driving like a reckless dummy. The Twenty Four others are driving so slow that they could probably recite a whole entire play in the span of their drive. Twenty Five out of Twenty Five drivers on the road are driving like dummies (present company included).

2. Snowy weather leaves the smell of bad cologne, booze, and anything that could possibly be smoked, stagnant in the air. I'm telling you as I walked down Hawthorne blvd. the blocks swapped smelling like racetracks, casinos, Abercrombie and Fitch, ash trays, you name it!

3. Rubber boots from the bins saved my walk. No joke, I bought these boots from the bins (now hold your comments about contracting stds into my feet, or stepping in dirty diapers till the end of "3" please). Not only did I not even slip, I walked twice as fast as do when it's not snowy. It does sort of feel like my feet are robot feet that are aimlessly controlling my body. I seriously saw at least, AT LEAST, 3 people slip (in a one mile walk). Who cares if my feet have herpes, or somebodies lost tooth stuck in them, I was to busy setting world records to notice (by that I mean going fast in the snow). Oh and by the way, feel free to bin comment...now.

I hope everyone on the other side of this screen is as cozy as I am, in my 2 pairs of sweat pants, socks, and my robot feet (yeah yeah there are shirts in the mix too). All aboard next stop ashtraycologneboozeydummyVille!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Tis the Season

Happy Fucking Holidays
Happy Fucking Holidays
Happy Fucking Holidays
Happy Fucking Holidays
Happy Fucking Holidays

Monday, December 14, 2009

Top That

What I would give for a necklace like teen witch. Just think of all the rap battles I could have won.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Dear world wide web, it's me Emily...

Testing 1, 2, 3. Ok, Hello, hi,  (awkwardly) is this thing on? Although I'd like to think I've been doing something fantastic over the past two weeks which has prevented me from spilling my  blog thoughts and guts out... alas everything has been quite usual around here, except for the slow internet that is. The internet has  been comparable to when my family  got internet for the first time  (or as some of you might say "the world wide web"). With the dial up, and the "beeeeep boooop beeep....then the static noise" then the "HEY, DON'T PICK UP THE PHONE, I'M TRYING TO GET ON THE WORLD WIDE WEB" (maybe not in those exact words, but for some reason I like to imagine me yelling that with my hammer pants, high top converses, and large black sweat shirt with an advertisement for a play, the one  with white geese... I wore that in both my third and 4th grade school pictures... ah thank you).  When I was a kid, we didn't have twitter,  you couldn't even use the phone at the same time as the internet (and we had to walk up hill barefoot in snow, or whatever). I guess what I'm trying to get at is, there was no writers block, just writers blog? (tough crowd). Just a bad case of the ol' 90's dial up, nothing to worry about folks. 

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Love Potion # Walla Walla Bing Bang

Did you ever listen, like really listen to the lyrics of the song THE WITCH DOCTOR? It's catchy, yes, but what in tarnation? I told the with doctor I was in love with you (cue the "bum bum bums")skip all the part about being true... blah blah blah skip to the advice of the witch doctor, the very good advice that the witch doctor tells the love seeker to do...(now brace yourself, you might be in a love bind,  you might need to win a heart, I think the witch Doctor can really spark a flame, pay attention...) AND GO: she said, ooh eee ooh ah ah ting tang walla walla (not the onions) bing bang" repeat that little ditty twice, and you are headed straight down the path to Las Vegas, to get married, or something.  Be careful. I think it's sort of like that movie Love Potion #9 (yeah, I know the song came first), a magic (yet unrealistic) spell resulting in true love, not to mention transitioning glasses to contacts!  
Note the difference, that's all potion baby!